My Talented Friends

What would you do/be if you could do/be anything in the world?

One of my answers is to be a rock star. No joke. Well... maybe not the star part but at least be a part of a band and write some cool songs, rock out on a stage with an electric or drums or piano, have a million people in the crowd sing along with you, you know. My only barriers are that:

1. I'm limited in my creativity when it comes to writing songs (it has to "come" to me... but rarely does this happen).
2. I don't actually know how to play electric. I can play acoustic but only strumming chords and not so much the finger picking which is where the cool riffs come from. I've dabbled on the drums but can't say I'm any good. And piano, well... maybe there's some hope there ;)
3. I can't sing... all that well.

However, I am surrounded by friends who are good at all three and it's pretty cool to think that one day they may make it big.

Jose Andres is a friend from when I went to Panama on a mission's trip with Campus for Christ 3 years ago. He is a very talented man and I have thoroughly enjoyed his album which you can download for free here.








This song is my favorite out of the bunch.





ZEROlios
This is a band in which my friend, Oliver, who is also Panamanian, started up some years ago. The name means, "no problem." They have a pretty sweet music video and I'm looking forward to hearing more from them. Oliver is the main vocals and guitar. His brother, Jesus, and friend, Randi, are also guys I got to know while in Panama.




Wool on Wolves
I lived in rez for my first two years of attending the U of A in Edmonton and in my second year, there was this guy named Brody who lived on the same floor as me. Him and his friends started this band up later in their university career. I remember enjoying their music but thinking they needed to polish things up a bit. They've come a long way and I'm quite impressed. It was a pleasant surprise when I saw their tour poster on one of the streetlamp poles as I was walking home from the bus stop. I think I'm working the day they play in Vancouver which is unfortunate but for those who are here and are free that night, you should check them out.

This video brings back so many memories of when I lived in Edmonton. It's fun to recognize a lot of the scenery. Oh, the nostalgia!





Adam Robert Thomas
I got to know Adam through the church I attend here in Vancouver. He is a very talented musician but I have to sadly admit that I have yet to see him live despite the fact that he performs fairly frequently. My excuse is that school took over my life for 2 years... Anyway, he is performing on Sept 8 at the Jazz Cellar if any of you want to listen to some spectacular jazz. Unfortunately I'm working a night shift so I will miss seeing him again. Le sigh...

Random Thoughts #6

I blame my lack of blogging to it being summer. When it's (finally) beautiful outside and you've made plans, it's hard to stay on the computer for long periods of time.

*~~~~~*

I have traveled quite a bit in this past month.
-> An overnight trip to Garibaldi Lake with Nadine and Jeff. There was still so much snow up top and this was at the end of July! Absolutely gorgeous though. I had a good quiet time with God too which was much needed.

-> A road trip to Saskatoon for Jess' wedding with my roomie and a few other friends. Highlights include climbing on hay bales, mimicking t-rex at the Royal Tyrrell Museum, and of course the wedding itself.

Ev and Hannah

-> A camping/surfing trip to Oregon with my close buddies from church. It really can't get any better than enjoying the breathtaking beauty of the Oregon coast with hilarious and loving friends, sharing a beer by the fire in a secluded campground, and being pushed around by the waves of the deep blue ocean. Love it! (Sorry, I didn't take many pics of this one but my friends did so perhaps I will post a few when I get it from them.)

*~~~~~*

I lack patience... and boundaries when it comes to relationships so I appreciate my wise and loving friends who have walked/are walking alongside me providing much needed encouragement and admonishment as I navigate through this complex maze. They've reminded me that God has the best in mind for me and His timing is perfect, that I am quality and thus need to wait for a quality guy. Even though these things are easy to digest in my head, my heart always has a harder time swallowing these truths. However, God is faithful even when we are faithless and I'm especially glad of this truth.

*~~~~~*

Patients who have loving families and friends who care for and visit them are very fortunate. There are a lot of lonely people in the hospital and it tears at my heart. I see loneliness in especially the elderly and the social outcasts (ie. people who use drugs, who live on the streets, who exhibit behaviors that are difficult to work with, etc). I find that a lot of the "ringers" (aka people who use the call bell much too frequently for our liking) often do so because they want some company. All they need is a little bit of love but unfortunately, most don't get it. What's more unfortunate is how most health care professionals (and other people) don't understand that a little bit of love goes a long way... but at the same time I understand that the circumstances surrounding the situation makes things complex and a genuine smile and/or encouraging words/actions isn't always as simple to do as we think it ought.

When I hear the word, "lonely" I think of The Beatles, "All the lonely people, where do they all come from?"

*~~~~~*

As Solomon wrote, there is a time for everything.
A time to be happy, a time to be sad.
A time to relax, a time to work hard.
A time to let go, a time to confront.
A time to enjoy, a time to suffer.
(The above isn't meant to paraphrase Ecclesiastes 3... in case you were wondering.)

Just in the recent months, there's been a slow transition in my "times" from downcast/difficult to joyful. It's a refreshing change from the "neck deep in mud at the bottom of the valley" I was experiencing a while ago (which, I realize, I have yet to share though I have made small mentions of it throughout the year). Some people are jokingly cynical and say, "Mindy, things will change and what you thought was amazing will annoy you in the end!" I am not unaware that things change and difficulties will come... but at the same time I've been learning the value of enjoying/being/living in the moment as each moment is a gift from God and it is all we have. I don't want to be consumed with worrying about the future because it will only leave me with the regret of wasting those precious moments that are full of God's blessings.

I will enjoy the happy times praising God for His blessings.
I will learn from the sad times praising God for His grace and mercy, and for increasing my compassion and empathy.
I will grow from the suffering times praising God for He understands my suffering and also uses these times to discipline me, sanctifying and refining my heart.

With all that said I'm sure by now you are curious as to what specifically is bringing me joy. Well, it's related to the second thought I made in this post and that will be your only clue.

*~~~~~*

Some of my friends who blog have made mention of this at one point or another, but what are the boundaries in blogging your life? There is an element of anonymity which makes you feel safe to share anything and everything. No one knows you so who cares what they think? But then there's also that nagging knowledge that your friends/family/co-workers/etc. who actually know you (or know of you) are reading this too. Though there are details you want to share with some people, there are other people you would not rather have them know any of it... but how do you control that? There's also that off-chance that your one post (or more likely a YouTube video) will become a sensational hit overnight. Then the WHOLE world knows who you are... or at least just that one aspect of you which isn't an accurate view of who you really are. Are you willing to take that chance? Am I? ... I'm not sure. Still figuring that one out in my head. (Which is why I've been a bit evasive in sharing my joyful news in my previous thought.)

*~~~~~*

My sleep schedule and quality has been totally wonky this past month and I am t~ired. (Big surprise.) I am trying out melatonin and see if this will allow me be a more engaging person when I'm awake and not so much a zombie.

Cheesy title but somewhat touching nonetheless

Do you remember the time when "forwards" were the thing in the e-mail world? You know, the "100 facts about yourself. Read it, fill it out, and pass it on." Or the "Hilarious pictures of people doing dumb things. Pass it on." Or if you're a Christian, the "A touching story of how someone came to love Jesus. Pass it on and if you're a good Christian, pass it on to your non-Christian friends." (That last one always made me feel guilty if I didn't pass it on.... but being older and wiser now, that guilt has long faded away.)

Anyway, I have a family friend who still sends these to me and it's kinda funny because no one does anymore. Or maybe it's not so much that no one in the world does but in my social spheres they don't. Except her. Not that that's a bad thing or anything.

The most recent one I received from her was actually pretty good. It's a short 3 min film called, "Porcelain Unicorn." At first I was skeptical. Who names a film, "Porcelain Unicorn"? ... Right.... Despite the cheesiness of the title, it is well made and surprisingly I enjoyed it.

So here's me "forwarding" this on to you. ...I guess my longstanding non-forwarding track record ends here, haha.

Purposeful Living

Over the past little while of reflecting and analyzing, I've discovered that I am a person of many many good intentions but with little follow through.


Evidence #1
In high school when having a locker mirror was "in", I decorated mine with nail polish which soon became a hit with my girlfriends. At the time I was working at the local pharmacy and often got first dibs on new products before it hit the shelves so when a bunch of new nail polish colors came in one day, I took advantage of my staff discount and bought a whole bunch. How many more locker mirrors did I actually paint after that? ... Maybe one or two. I also rarely paint my nails...

Evidence #2
I am a lover of books. When I was younger during the summers I would borrow 5 books a week from the library and read read read. However as I grew older, I inherited a vast number of other interests as well as responsibilities such as schoolwork (and of course, I also learned procrastination and laziness in university) so reading got put on the back burner. But my love for books and reading never dissipated. Working with Campus for Christ, I had so many "this book is great" suggestions that I would buy a ton at conferences and Christian bookstores. However, I've yet to read 70% of the books I've bought - so many lay unopened and unread on my bookshelf...

Evidence #3
My friend, Jeff, got diagnosed with Celiac's disease last year in March so I bought a whole bunch of gluten-free flours to experiment and bake yummy goodies so that he could still enjoy things such as cookies, cakes, and bread that otherwise he wouldn't be able to eat. I also discovered that quite a few people in my church also have Celiac's so I was dreaming of baking stuff for them as well so they could enjoy something with their coffee after the service. The first few months I did bake quite a bit. But over the past year I haven't done anything and my gluten-free flours lay abandoned on my kitchen shelves...


I have a feeling there are many others who have the same struggles as I do - bringing life to the good ideas that are brimming over in my head. Lately I've been trying to be a bit more proactive in following through with my ideas because I don't want to be the kind of person who only speaks of doing things but has nothing to show for it. I don't want to waste my life dreaming but not actually living out those dreams. I want to make the most of my life experiencing everything God has to offer here, enjoying Him and tasting His goodness in preparation for the mindblowing awesomeness that is to come in the afterlife. I want to be a real and tangible blessing to those around me rather than just a "sending you good thoughts" kind of person. I want to live for more than myself because that's what makes life worthwhile.

With all that said, I have a couple married friends who I am totally encouraged by and admire because they live their lives with selfless purpose and action. Matt and Mischa developed a heart for West Africa during their university days and had a dream to help bring social development and reduce poverty to that area of the world. Rather than simply talking about it, they paved their way towards their dream and now they are currently living in Cameroon doing an 8 month internship with The Humanity Exchange. I've been keeping up with their blog and am always excited reading about how they are bringing good change into the world as well as their fun(ny) experiences living in a location and culture that is a complete 180 from ours.

I think sometimes as Christians we aren't always willing to sacrifice our comfort for the sake of others. Rather than loving people as Jesus loved us (and he left heaven, the ultimate place of goodness and comfort, to be with us!), we choose to live for ourselves. Life is so narrow, lonely and strangling when we do that! Matt and Misch definitely gave up a lot of their comfort to live in Cameroon - warm showers, food that is palatable to their taste buds, the warmth of close friends and family - and they don't hide the fact that it's tough sometimes. But, they are planting a huge field that will reap with goodness that they will get to fully enjoy one day.

This is not to say that I should move to Africa as I don't believe (at least in this point in my life anyway) that my calling is to be there... but I do hope that whatever my calling is, wherever my God-given passions lie, I will be able to follow through and not just live with good intentions.

Random Thoughts #5

What?!?!?! No posts in over a month???? Wow, where have I been?

Truth is I just haven't had the energy nor motivation to blog. I haven't been writing too much in my journal either. Maybe I'm in a no-writing phase of my life right now.

*~~~~~*

I've been working as a nurse for 5 months now and I still shake my head whenever I write my designation beside my signature (ie. RN = registered nurse). Really? Really?! I'm an RN? Crazy.... A part of me feels accomplished to have survived the 20 months of ridiculous craziness to get here. Another part of me feels dread and anxiety - there is still SO much I need to learn and I have so little experience. How is it possible for me to take care of my patients well??? I wonder how long it'll take before I feel confident in my role?

*~~~~~*

Becoming a Christian doesn't mean you are all of a sudden this perfect human being that never makes mistakes. It's a lifelong process of being shaped, moulded and refined by God. It's a life of living in His grace day by day, moment by moment - you can't change yourself (ie. stop sinning) on your own. I thought I knew this well... but it wasn't until recently that I actually realized how powerless I really am in getting rid of the gunk in my heart. I'm shocked at how capable my heart is of darkness and evil, and how helpless I am in getting rid of bitterness and envy even if I am fully motivated to be rid of it. I'm in awe of how God is able to remove this from me and without my "help". Obviously I still have a long ways to go in being refined but I am glad to have another layer stripped off of me - I feel a little lighter now.

*~~~~~*

I discovered surfing since moving to Vancouver and oh my gosh, it is such a thrill! There's nothing like the spray of cold water from your board catching the wave, standing up and feeling the wind rush past while trying to keep yourself from falling over from the mighty push of the ocean. I've only gone a handful of times (once in Tofino, the rest in Oregon) but I definitely want to go more often now that I'm out of school and have my car so the surf is a bit more accessible. In the meantime, I'm getting into skimboarding since this is the closest thing to surfing I can get and something I can do right on the beaches of Vancouver. I just wish the weather would cooperate with me a little as I've noticed that the days are nice when I'm working and raining when I'm not.

*~~~~~*

I love languages and want to learn so many - Spanish, French (my school didn't teach me any), improve my Japanese. Working in a hospital especially in Vancouver, I feel it would be very beneficial for me to know Cantonese as well. However, it's so difficult to master the language unless you are completely immersed in it. There's no chance I'll be doing any long-term traveling in the next few years so I guess that leaves me with watching lots of foreign movies and learning from my friends until I'm able to.

Recovering

I feel like I lost a part of myself in the last 2 years while I was in school. It's as if Chaos and Stress stole something small but intensely valuable and without it I feel fragmented. I can't quite explain what it is exactly that I've lost - I just know it's gone. Or maybe it's just hidden under the mess.

I realize this is quite the vague statement but even I'm having a hard time figuring out what it is. However in the last month-ish or so of being taught how to let go, how to rest, and how to realign myself back into the relationship that is everything to me (ie. God) I think the thing that I've lost is slowly being recovered.

The Valley of Vision - Part I

I came across a book titled The Valley of Vision a few months ago when my roomie, Hannah, brought it out and read a snippet of it to me during breakfast one morning. The book is a collection of prayers and devotions by some well-known Puritans (ie. John Bunyan, Philip Doddridge, Charles Haddon Spurgeon, etc.). Hannah only read one poem and I fell in love. These guys have a way with words, that's for sure!

One poem in particular has stuck with me aptly called "The Valley of Vision." Perhaps it's because I was in a valley of sorts not so long ago... but that story is for next time. For now, I'll leave you with the poem.

The Valley of Vision

LORD, HIGH AND HOLY, MEEK AND LOWLY,
Thou hast brought me to the valley of vision,

   where I live in the depths but see thee in the heights;

   hemmed in by mountains of sin I behold thy glory.

Let me learn by paradox
   that the way down is the way up,
   that to be low is to be high,
   that the broken heart is the healed heart,
   that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit,
   that the repenting soul is the victorious soul,
   that to have nothing is to possess all,
   that to bear the cross is to wear the crown,
   that to give is to receive,
   that the valley is the place of vision.

Lord, in the daytime stars can be seen from deepest wells,
   and the deeper the wells the brighter thy stars shine;
Let me find thy light in my darkness,
   thy life in my death,
   thy joy in my sorrow,
   thy grace in my sin,
   thy riches in my poverty,
   thy glory in my valley.

A Milestone... Maybe?

I just realized my last post was my 100th. Pretty impressive considering the fact that when I first started this I didn't think I'd keep it up for long. I guess I like sharing my thoughts over the web more than I thought would :P

So if the last post was the 100th, this post would make it Post #101 (duh) and 101 reminds me of "One Hundred and One Dalmations." I think the last time I watched this movie I was like 6 years old. Wow, that was a long time ago... Anyway...

One can find anything on YouTube these days, and to my delight even "One Hundred and One Dalmations" so I just started watching it again and oh the nostalgia! It's crazy how Disney movies have transformed over the years. To an extent I like the old school animation better compared to the box-i-ness of say "The Emperor's New Groove." But the stories nowadays are pretty entertaining.

Sorry, I'm tangenting all over the place. You can blame it on my lack of sleep due to night shift.

To celebrate (?) my perseverance in blogging (ha) I present to you Part 1 of ... *drum roll*

"One Hundred and One Dalmations!" (You can find the other parts on YouTube if you care to watch the rest of it.)

Remembering the weekend that completely changed everything...

Easter weekend is always a mixture of emotions for me.


Friday is a day of mourning. 
A day to wonder what it must've been like for Jesus to go through everything prior to and including his death upon that cross.
A day to recognize the severity of our sins and the weight of his sacrifice.
A day to somberly remember what a wretched creature I am, that I am no better than anyone else, fallen completely short of the glory of God.


But Sunday is a day of celebration.
A day to wonder and be in awe of God's mighty and awesome power in raising Jesus from the dead.
A day to recognize what it means for Jesus to be in heaven interceding on our behalf.
A day to joyously remember that my sins are no more and I am free, truly free to live a life that is pleasing to God without worrying if I'm good enough.

John Mark Mcmillan wrote a beautiful song of Easter. If you're interested in learning more about why he chose the words that he did, you can read about it in his blog here.

Work ^ Ridiculous

I love being a nurse. Since getting into nursing school I've definitely felt it's my calling, at least for now anyway. I think it fits with who I am pretty well so I'm psyched to be working in an area that I enjoy.

However like everything else in this world, nothing is perfect even if it is something you love.

Before I get into details, here is some background info on nursing that will be helpful for you to know:

• On my ward, there are a total of 6 nurses (4 RNs, 2 LPNs) and the LPNs usually have the more stable patients while the RNs take on the more acute patients. Each nurse has 4 patients, occasionally 5. 
• We work in teams which means when 1 nurse is on break, the other looks after their patients as well. Essentially, we have to look after at least 8 patients when our partner is on break.
• Patients are given a "rating" on their level of acuity (PASS) as well as their level of care needed (CASS). PASS of 1 = low acuity (stable) whereas 3 = very acute (unstable). CASS of 1 = patient is independent whereas 3 = total care (we have to do everything for them, ie. feed, change, wash, reposition so that they don't get bed sores, etc.).
• A set of shifts typically consists of 2 days (from 7:30AM to 7:30PM) and 2 nights (7:30PM to 7:30AM) back-to-back (ie. Day 1 = day, Day 2 = day, Day 3 = night, Day 4 = night). I get 5 days off in between each set of shifts.
• Night shifts are generally more quiet than day shifts because patients are asleep (usually) and there are less people (ie. docs, visitors, etc) on the ward.
• There are 2 types of bugs that are resistant to antibiotics which is an issue in the hospital - MRSA and VRE. When a patient has either/or of these, they are put on isolation precaution. This means that any person providing care has to don a fresh gown and gloves every time they come in contact with the patient. This is to prevent us from spreading the bugs to the other patients.
• When patients have tests (eg. X-rays, CT scans, ultrasound, etc), we have to put them on a wheelchair or stretcher and have them ready for the porter to take them. Once the porter brings them back to the ward, we have to put the patients back in bed. Unfortunately, we aren't often told what time the patient has to go down for their test - usually there's a phone call saying they need the patient now. We also usually don't know when the patients are back from their tests.
• If a patient is immobile, we have to use various equipment to transfer our patient to the stretcher (ie. slings, sliding boards, mechanical lifts, etc.). The heavier the patient, the more difficult and time consuming the transfer.
• When patients are admitted to the ward, there's a whole whackload of stuff we need to do. A set of vital signs (blood pressure, heart rate, respiration rate, blood oxygen levels, temperature), a thorough head-to-toe assessment, multiple lists of questions, etc. Usually this takes at least 30 minutes to complete.
• Giving patients their medication is not as simple as you think. We have a "checklist" to go through for each medication to maintain patient safety. If the patient only has 1 or 2 medications, it's not that bad. However most patients have a lot and which are also given at the same time. For example, if you have 4 patients who have 10 medications each that need to be given at 9AM, that's 40 medications that we need to check to be given at that time. As you can imagine, this takes up a huge chunk of time.
• LPNs aren't allowed to administer IV medications so if they have patients that have IV meds, we (RNs) have to do it for them.
• St. Paul's is a teaching hospital so we get a lot of nursing students. They vary in their ability depending on how far along they are in their program. Though they can be a huge help, to an extent it does mean more work for us because we have to check everything they've done because ultimately, we are the ones responsible for our patients.

So...

I just finished off a set of shifts this morning and oh my gosh, it was the most ridiculous set I've ever had so far. Somehow I ended up with some of the heaviest patients on the ward. 3 out of 4 were total care, 3 out of 4 had a PASS of 3, and all 4 patients were on isolation precautions.

On my day shifts, many of the patients had multiple tests throughout the day so I had patients leaving and returning left right center. One of them also had multiple blood transfusions throughout the day which in itself is also quite time consuming. I also had to admit a new patient under my care and she had multiple issues and complications. Additionally, the LPN I was partnered with had patients with IV medications so I had to do those as well. In addition to that, I had a couple nursing students throughout the day. One was very helpful, but the other, as wonderful of a person she is, just kept asking me questions at the wrong time (ie. when I was super busy with something else). At one point when I had multiple important things on my mind and a few different medical personnel trying to get my attention and she jumped in with a question, I almost had a meltdown but thank God He helped me not to explode because that would've been bad...

I thought my night shifts would be better but no, they too were ridiculously busy. Less busy than days... but quite busy for a night shift. I ran around for 5 hours before I finally got to sit down for a quick snack break. Two of my patients also rang the bell every hour or less until 3AM for things like a bedpan, a glass of water, and pain medications. On the last night when my partner was on break, one of her patients had a bout of confusion and wanted to leave the hospital. As I tried to convince her that she couldn't leave in the middle of the night, another one of my partner's patients had an accident and needed to be cleaned up. As soon as these two were taken care of settled back in bed, another one of her patients had to be changed and needed a whole lot of pain meds... Then one of my patients started ringing the call bell... and so on. Thankfully some of the other nurses were less busy so they helped me out a lot.

I love nursing.... but if work was like this all the time, I don't think my body nor my mind can handle it for long. My legs are sore from walking around back and forth so much. It doesn't help that I'm still a new grad because I tend to forget stuff so I'm often retracing my steps to grab something. (Apparently a new grad can walk up to 17km in a day. Crazy.) My throat is sore today so I think I caught a cold. My brain hurts from thinking so much. I'm so glad I have 5 days off to rest and recover.

To look on the bright side of things...
... I got my exercise for the week.
... I'm definitely learning how to multitask, something I feel I'm not very good at, and improving on my organizational skills.
... I work with awesome people who really care about me and are super helpful. I couldn't have survived this set without them.
... I have a 5-day weekend. How many people can say they get a 5-day weekend after a week of work?

Raising the Cup

On a night shift a couple of Thursdays ago I got sick and had to go home. At first I thought it was just indigestion caused by a number of things including what I ate during the day (not food poisoning but things that just didn't seem to sit well with my stomach), a general lack of sleep, and being a bit stressed out with life which led to my body being weaker and vulnerable. I literally laid on the couch all day Friday to get rest, felt good enough Saturday to hang out with some friends (coffee/lunch, a PhD grad party in the evening, and We Are the City concert at night), went to church Sunday and hung out with friends for lunch... then my body went haywire and I was back in bed worried that I had caught some nasty bug from work. (I'll refrain from telling you what I thought it might have been because it's not pretty.) I saw the doc on Monday and she told me to stay home from work that week and not go back to work until my lab results came back.

I was so physically weak at the beginning of the week that even walking a block made me exhausted. Mind you I hadn't eaten much all weekend due to a lack of appetite so my body was running on low to empty. I put myself on the BRAT diet (bananas, rice, apple juice, toast) and on Wednesday I finally started perking up a bit. Since then I've been getting stronger each day and the lab hasn't called me back (in this case, no news is good news and this is a huge relief for me because I don't have the bug I thought I had - phew) so I should be good to go back to work this Thursday. In short, I had a good two weeks to let my body rest and recover and this experience has taught me a lot.

I know I've been busy - it's all that comes out of my mouth lately when people ask me how I am (either that or "I'm tired"). Not that being busy is always a bad thing... but I think I fair a bit on the extreme. I'm a new grad and work pretty much full-time plus it's shift work so my sleep schedule is completely off, I am involved in church, I have many friends (which is fantastic) but I'm unable to decide who to invest my time with so I end up trying to spend quality time with everybody which is impossible, I'm trying to do stuff for Haiti through GAiN, I registered to take the NCLEX (the US version of the RN exam), etc etc etc... Holy crap. This is a lot of stuff. I'm trying to do wa~y too much for the amount of time and energy that I have. No wonder I'm stressed out and am tired all the time and got sick. It's funny because being a nurse one would think that we should be good at taking care of ourselves... but sadly this is often not the case. As my doctor put it, we're so busy taking care of others that we forget about ourselves. Touché.
 
It's probably a combination of being Asian and living in North America and my personality, but I feel guilty when I'm not doing anything or being productive. Guilty - now there's the key word that helped me to realize something is wrong. Someone once said to me guilt doesn't come from God but from Satan. God convicts, but He doesn't guilt. Hmm...

Obviously I'm not very good at resting and this is something God has been repeatedly bringing up in my life over these past few years. I've been trying to learn and Mark Buchanan's book, The Rest of God, has definitely given me a better perspective on rest and what it means to keep the Sabbath. I realize though that some of the lessons haven't sunk in very well.

My roommate and beloved friend, Jess, shared something she heard in church sometime ago that was quite profound for me. The pastor was talking about the cup and how the Pharisees worked so hard at cleaning the outside but failed to clean the inside. In other words, they worked hard at having a good reputation and did everything right according to religion, but they didn't care enough about the condition of their heart which was tainted with greed, pride, envy, scorn and a whole other slough of stuff which Jesus openly pointed out (and of course, they didn't like that at all). Jesus was more concerned about the inside of the cup rather than the outside which can only be done through a relationship with him as it's impossible to do it on our own. So, the Christian life should consist of cleansing the inside of our cup (through conviction from God, confession, repentance, through the work of the Holy Spirit) as well as using our cup to serve others (re: Jesus' command to love God and people). We are also called to raise our cup in celebration of all that God has done and blessed us with.

Enjoying life as a way to worship and thank God is something that's been on my mind a lot recently. I know that God wants us to but I just haven't been able to figure out how to do that without forgetting to simultaneously keep sacrificing our lives so that others may enter the Kingdom of God too. Looking deeper though, I have issues with control (I'm not good at letting it go to God) and finding my identity in Christ which leads to me believing that I need to do do do in order to prove myself and please Him. But me doing more isn't going to change His view of me - He loves me for who I am, not for what I do. Whatever I do shouldn't be to make sure He keeps loving me, but should be out of a loving response to Him - I obey what He asks me to because I love Him. I know this in my head so now it just needs to take root in my heart.

Now that I've been sick and have had the last week and a half off being forced to rest and learning how to enjoy life as a way to worship God, I hope that my life will change. The change will probably be slow but that's ok because everything is a process and this is just a part of it. Some changes I hope to make are...
... to let myself take it easy on the couple days right after my night shift.
... to learn to say 'no' every so often instead of always immediately saying 'yes' when people ask if I want to get involved in something.
... to pray and grow closer connected with God so that I can distinguish His still and soft voice from among the noise and hopefully get better at only doing what He asks me to rather than doing more in efforts to prove myself.

So, here's to raising that cup. Thank you so much, God, that you care deeply for others AND you intimately care about us too and want us to enjoy what you've abundantly blessed us with.

How easy it is to forget...

I received an e-mail from my friend, Angelina, just a few moments ago about her missionary friends in Japan helping out with the aftermath of the tsunami. After reading it and watching the video clips, I had a horrible sinking feeling in my stomach - I had put the devastation that has occurred and continues to remain in Japan on the back burner of my heart and mind.

How easy it is to get caught up in the latest news and not even that but just with stuff in your own life. Not that things in your life aren't important... but our vision definitely narrows when we only look at ourselves.

With that said, I have been a bit stressed lately with life in general. Too many things vying for my time... and I'm not good at prioritizing and investing in the right things - I just want to do it all! But I'm not God... This is probably why I fell ill and had to take the week off from work. I still haven't gotten down a healthy balance of work and rest.

Anyway....

How do you continue to deeply care and pray for things that are deep on your heart? How do you balance living your life while continuing to be intentional about things like Japan? What is my role in all of this anyway? What does God want me to do? I don't know...

Where am I going with this post? I haven't got a clue. I guess it's more of a letting-my-thoughts-pour-out as a way to process what's going on so I'm sorry if this post is very choppy and doesn't make much sense.

Whoever thought ukuleles could be so cool?

I'm not gonna lie, I was super excited when I saw this TED talk a little while ago. What do you get when you mix rock with a ukulele? Amazingness.

Where the Heart Is...

In the past when I would share something that is on my heart, something I am passionate about, and am greeted with seeming apathy or complacency I would often get frustrated and want to slap people in the face and yell, "What's wrong with you??? Why can't you care???"

However through the recent catastrophic events of the world (ie. Japan and Libya/Middle East-ish), I've discovered that it's not necessarily that people don't care. In fact, a lot of them do. It's just that it's hard to be passionate about something that's not on your heart. Also, it's impossible for the human heart to be passionate about every single thing which I think sometimes it feels like you're forced to do, which can sometimes then lead to apathy/complacency.

What helped me to understand this was really the events in Japan and Libya. As I've shared in a previous post, Japan is dear to me as my family originates from there and thus what happens there touches me. Libya on the other hand, I have no real connection with so despite the fact that I think it's terrible and horrible what's been going on in that country, I'm unable to have the same depth of care, sympathy and compassion for them as I do for the Japanese. Again, it's not because I don't care - it's just that Libya isn't where my heart is.

So, now that I understand this I think I will be less angry and frustrated with others who appear to not care as much as I do about certain topics. Sure, apathy and complacency do run rampant and we ought to fight against them... but I think there needs to be an in-depth assessment of the situation before we go on condemning people of their apathy/complacency because that may not be true.

Also as Christians, we ought to be praying for God to impress upon the hearts of men and women because true passion, devotion, care, love, etc etc can only come from Him, not from us. We are simply reflections to help direct people to what God wants them to care deeply about.

Tsunamis: Perceptions and Realities

Last night, my roommates and I were talking about how our perceptions of a tsunami were so different to what actually hit Japan. I think it's safe to say that most people think of a tsunami as a huge wall of water 20 ft high coming towards you. However watching all the news clips, it looks more like an incoming tide... but much, much faster.

Below are some crazy clips that helped me to see what really happened.

This is an aerial view of the waves.


In the beginning the reporter says that he sees a number of waves coming towards Natori City in Miyagi Prefecture. The 2nd part is in Rikuzentakata City in Iwate Prefecture. The 3rd part is in Sendai City in Miyagi Prefecture. You can take a look at the map below to see where these cities are in relation to the location of the earthquake.

View Japan Earthquake/Tsunami 2011 in a larger map

This is at Sendai Airport.


If you're interested in more specific details about the earthquake itself, I found information here.

Unpredictable...

Japan's 8.9 magnitude earthquake yesterday and the immense devastation it caused was a sober reminder that we live not in paradise, but a very broken world. I called my parents in the morning to see if they've contacted any of our relatives in Japan but unfortunately the phone lines were still down. My dad's side of the family live in the Iwate prefecture, located just north of the epicenter, but most live more in the interior so the tsunami threat doesn't apply to them.

My dad grew up close to the city of Mizusawa (11 o'clock from the epicenter on the map).

They've been watching NHK (the Japanese network channel) since 10PM the night before, hearing all the earthquake warnings and eventually watching the destruction the earthquake and subsequent tsunamis caused.

My mom told me, "This is the worst disaster that I have seen in Japan in my whole life. Words can't describe what I'm feeling right now."



The above video was taken in Miyako, a coastal city in northern Iwate. The city is about 100km away from where my dad grew up.


View Larger Map

It's crazy how strong the forces of nature are. Vehicles and houses literally being picked up by the tsunami waves and being taken away as if a child were blowing paper boats across water. The dikes that were in place to prevent damage by tsunamis did nothing to stop these ones. Sendai airport was washed out. People who lived right by the water had no chance of escaping despite the warning sirens. About 9000 people, half of an entire community, is missing because a wave washed over it.

Mom is right - there are no words sufficient enough to describe the devastation.

If anything I am reminded that no matter how wealthy, how technologically advanced, how smart we are, we cannot be arrogant to think that nothing will hurt us. A good chunk of Japan is in ruins and they are a country known to be excellently emergency-prepared because of the regular frequency of earthquakes that occur there. Fortunately because of their advanced development they are able to, to an extent, respond and care for themselves. Yet at the same time, their needs are still dire.

Living in Vancouver, I am aware that this city is also along that notorious Ring of Fire and it is not unfathomable for an earthquake of such a size to hit here as well. Not that I am paranoid or anything, but it's good to be prepared because you never know.

My mom was saying that on the news she saw people, instead of running away, wandering around unsure of what to do with all the warnings or ignoring them completely. Because they weren't quick to seek a safe refuge, they were taken away by the tsunamis and out to sea. The warnings were there... but they didn't take heed.

How much am I and many others like those who perished - hearing and seeing warnings and yet choosing to ignore them or stuck in indecision of what to do? As a result we are often left with negative consequences. It reminds me of Noah when God told him to build a huge ark because of an impending flood. He warned his fellow neighbors, but they laughed at and mocked him. In the end, they were the ones who died.

This is a humbling reminder for me that I need to continually trust in God, to search for Him, to listen to His voice and obey Him because this world is unpredictable - I cannot control the future. My strength is nothing compared to the strength of nature. I cannot be arrogant and think that just because I have money, a good job, status, that I am untouchable. All can change in a moment's time.

I love the Japanese. They are a part of me, of my family. I am heartbroken for them and I know God feels so much more heartbroken than I do. Please keep them in your prayers in this next little while that...
... those who are missing will be found alive.
... those who have lost loved ones will be comforted.
... God will be the strength of our brothers and sisters in Christ there.
... the church body in Japan and around the world will love their neighbors during this immensely difficult time.
... people will find true hope and peace in Jesus because really, there is nothing else in the world that can bring us these things.

There is so much more I want to say and share... but my thoughts are all jumbled partly due to the fact that I'm unable to keep up with my thoughts and organize them in a timely fashion, and partly because my brain is tired from doing a night shift last night and I still have another shift tonight. Anyway, I hope what I said made some kind of sense.

Memory Issues

I often have great ideas for a blog post while I'm away from my computer... but I often forget what it was I wanted to blog about when I am sitting, facing an empty "New Post." It's because I fail to jot down my ideas because I'm either lazy or I have nothing to write with.

This makes me sad because it's a negative sign of my aging brain. Yikes. Need to do more crossword puzzles or something to keep my mind young and active...

(Not that nursing doesn't keep my mind active. If anything, it makes my mind overactive. Sigh, never a happy medium.)

Work is...

Tomorrow marks the day I've been working for a month at St. Paul's Hospital as a nurse. Since orientation and my buddy shifts, I've had 7 shifts on my own and I must say the learning curve has definitely been steep. The first day I was so overwhelmed that for the first part of my shift, all I wanted to do was go home. But the shifts got better as I grew accustomed to the harried environment.

Some things I'm learning:

• Everything is overwhelming and at times shocking at first, even if you've mentally prepared yourself for it. For example, I went through my first Code Blue last Friday. My patient actually went through 2 Code Blues within an hour of each other. Fortunately I was not alone and had lots and lots of help in handling the situation.
• There is nothing better than having the support of your colleagues especially on a ridiculously stressful day. Through them I am able to survive and finish the job I'm called to.
• Stay healthy now! When you're older (and by older I mean when you're a senior) you already have enough age-related issues - you can make them worse by not taking care of yourself now. So this means exercising regularly, maintaining a healthy weight, not eating too much sugar especially since there is diabetes in the family, etc.
• God is so good to me and cares for me deeply. The first shift after my Code Blue day (and if I may add, there was a lot more going on than just that), though I still wanted to come to work I was definitely anxious and was also still exhausted. However, my day ended up being one of the easiest I've had and not in the least stressful. He knew I needed a break and gave it to me. Such a blessing.

Despite the fact that I am in a casual position (ie. staffing calls me in as necessary to fill in vacant spots due to sick calls, vacation, no shows, etc.), I get calls every day for work whereas some of my other friends in other hospitals are looking for a second job because they're not getting enough. So I am grateful for the work I've been getting (hurray for having my needs met!) and also the great experience that is refining me as a nurse.

What's better than MEC?

I love the outdoors and thus I have a huge love for MEC. Every time I go in there, my eyes are as wide as plates "aww"ing and "ooo"ing over everything, wishing I had money so I could get everything.

However, in the recent months I have discovered a place much better than MEC. Now if you're a Canadian, you're probably wondering how this could be. But it's true!

The US version of MEC is called REI (Recreation Equipment Co-op) and Christina, my good friend from Vancouver, WA, introduced me to them. What's awesome about REI is that every few months, they hold a huge garage sale (Used Gear Sale) where they re-sell everything that was returned (they accept returns of all kinds, no matter how long ago you purchased the product, no matter how many times you've used it - if you bought it there, you can return it). I finally got to go to one of these sales and snagged some pretty sweet stuff for way cheap.

For example, I got a quality sleeping bag (The North Face - Cat's Meow) for $60. It was used maybe a few times and was returned because the "draw string [was] not sewn right." (At home I discovered that I only had to cut a single stitch for it to work properly.) If I had bought this brand new, it would've cost me $160.

I was pretty excited to attend these sales because since coming to Vancouver, I've really gotten into hiking and camping but don't have any of the gear and gear can get expensive especially if you want good quality equipment. I'm hoping the next time I go to the sale I'll find a quality overnight pack.

Anyway, for those who make trips to the States and like good bargains I highly recommend becoming an REI member ($20 lifetime membership). These sales are fantastic!

TED Talks

So, my last post featured a TED talk on creativity and the brain.

I was introduced to TED talks through my Population Health class in nursing school sometime last May. We watched one on statistics and the developing/developed world by Hans Rosling and it was absolutely fascinating. You might be thinking, "What?!?! Statistics?!?! How can that be fascinating???" But seriously, he makes it fascinating and very entertaining. He is an amazing presenter with serious smarts.

I'm getting off topic.

So, TED talks. What is it? Basically it's people presenting their ideas, opinions, research, talents, etc. to spread knowledge and ideas across the world. Hence the slogan "Ideas worth spreading." You can find talks that go anywhere from 5 to 20 minutes and there's a huge range of topics. If you're looking for something a bit different than your regular shows you watch on TV or online, then check them out.

Ideas are powerful and are the building blocks for action. Who knows. Maybe one of these talks will be the catalyst to your own ideas which may lead to something amazing and exciting.

Is it possible to successfully mix science and art together?

I love science. I find it fascinating learning and discovering more about this amazingly intricate and complex world God created. More specifically, I love chemistry, especially organic chemistry (I don't know why, but I do), and biomedical sciences (physiology, etc.). You can say I'm a bit of a nerd and I'm not ashamed of it :)

I also love art. I am more musically inclined but I do enjoy the other arts such as visual and crafts as well. Something about being expressively creative is incredibly soothing to the soul. It's an aspect of culture and life that isn't embraced nor cherished enough.

I've always thought of the two as being quite separate from each other - science and art don't really mix all that often. And then I came upon the following TED talk and it brought a smile to my face. There are some really smart and creative people out there. It's 16 minutes long but I found it quite enjoyable and I hope you will too.

It's only the beginning but it's already at full speed...

I started work on Monday last week (hurray for being employed!) and it was a full week of orientation.

Monday - New Employee Orientation
Everyone who is newly hired with Providence Health Care (ie. nurses, social workers, physiotherapists, housekeepers, etc.) got a full day of information about the organization - its beginnings, mission statement and values, different resources for employees, the works. 

Tuesday~Friday - General Nursing Orientation
A basic but intense review of all hospital nursing skills, policies and procedures as well as resources specific to different areas such as mental health and palliative care.

Tomorrow - New Graduate Orientation
I assume it's all the ins and outs of nursing such as unions and work scheduling for us newbies to the profession.

Tuesday - Unit-specific Orientation
As the name implies, we'll learn how the units in which we'll be working on are run, where everything is located, etc.

Thursday~Sunday - Buddy Shifts
A set of shifts where I am paired up with an experienced RN on the ward.


There was so much information given during the general nursing orientation and it was difficult to sit in a classroom for 8 hours a day (especially on Friday)... but we got paid for it so I can't complain. A lot of my other friends who were hired with the Fraser Health Authority said they get 150 hours of buddy shifts which translates to about twelve 12-hour shifts. It seems like I'll only be getting four 12-hour shifts..... which is not a lot so I'm really gonna be thrown into the deep end.

I am excited to start nursing but am definitely a little nervous. The ward I've been hired onto is where I did my final placement while I was in school and from what I've learned during that time, it gets ridiculously busy. Apparently the wards have been having a difficult time getting their current casual employees to come in to do overtime so I know that even being a casual hire, I will not be lacking in work. This is a good thing but that also means it will be crazy busy. Being a new nurse it's a bit overwhelming as there is SO much to know and to grow in. The things I hope are that one, I won't kill anybody and two, that I won't do something horrible to get myself fired. Scary stuff.

With that said, anything that is new and unknown is often intimidating to some degree and requires courage and boldness to step in, put in some effort and ask questions without hesitation. For me, it also means another opportunity to depend on God and have faith that He'll bring a variety of patients and cases to help me grow, give me the strength needed to make it through the day/set of shifts, instill compassion in me for those who I don't really understand or connect well with, and wisdom/discernment to make good choices for the best of my patients.

Another thing I hope to learn is how to incorporate God and spirituality with nursing. This is not to say that I want to force my beliefs and values onto people who are in a very vulnerable state. And really, force in any situation has never been shown to be all that effective. I do want to be an accurate reflection of God's love to these people and to my co-workers and whether they accept it or not isn't up to me but to them. So we'll see how this all pans out. I'm sure that I will have some interesting conversations with people though as I've found that most people do think about spiritual things often and like to share their thoughts about it.

I guess the bigger question for me right now is, will I have the time to be able to have these conversations given the chaos of the ward and me just beginning to learn the ropes? I guess we'll see.

Reflections and Anticipations

Happy 2011!

Can you believe that the Y2K scare was over a decade ago? In another year and a bit, it'll be my 10 year high school reunion. Have I really been out of high school that long??? Am I really turning 27 this year??? Craziness...

As I reflect on the year 2010, it was probably one of the most emotionally up-and-down year I've had in a long time. Not to say that it was a bad year - I successfully graduated from nursing and passed my licensing exam, my relationships with friends have considerably grown, I was able to visit Haiti TWICE in a year, my childhood best friend got married, I could go on. It was a very good year... but a good year does not necessarily equate to an easy one.

God taught me a lot of important lessons, ones that will continue on in 2011 and the years to come I'm sure. One of them being about allowing myself to have emotions while expressing them in a godly way. Humans are emotional - it's not always a bad thing. The key is how do you react/express these emotions? How do you be real with yourself and others without being unnecessarily hurtful to others/self-pitying/etc.? It's a difficult thing to do. For the longest time I was envious of the relationship between two of my close friends (a guy and a girl). Envy is incredibly destructive to relationships. A blight if you will. No wonder God sees it as sin. It prevented me from loving my friends like they should be loved because I was sulking in my own self-pity. Looking at things from a rational perspective, it's ridiculous, really. Why am I acting so foolishly? Why can't I truly be happy for them rather than being bitter about the unique closeness they have? I had/have a lot of growing up to do.

Another thing He's taught me is that I really can't put anything else above Him. There is nothing more stable, more firm, more foundational than Jesus. Everything else, as good as it can be, is temporary, incomplete and not the best. Only God is permanent and can provide fully for my every need. It's such an easy thing to say but so difficult to believe and live out. Over the past few years He's been slowly opening my eyes to various areas of my life where I am holding onto something else other than Him. Often He has to pry my hands off of whatever it is that I'm holding onto... and it's painful. But necessary. In the end once I let go, I finally understand why He wanted me to hold onto Him. It's funny though because despite the fact that I know this, I seem to have an uncanny knack of forgetting this truth and sometimes reattach myself to whatever it was I let go of. As they say, everything is a process so this will continue to be as well.

There are a lot more to 2010 than these two things... but I would bore you to tears if I shared everything so I'll refrain for your sake.


So, 2011. I really don't know what this year has in store for me. It is nice to start the year off with a nursing job on the ward I did my preceptorship in because that is where I ultimately wanted to be (in the short-term at least anyway). All the experienced nurses say the first year of nursing is stressful and a steep learning curve so I'm sure there will be many more ups and downs due to that. However, I do look forward to becoming a competent and adequate nurse so I hope to learn and grow a lot this year.

I'm also looking forward to actually being able to pay all my bills, make monthly student loan payments, etc. rather than worrying about whether I would need my parents to help me again. As much as I love my parents and appreciate all the help they've given me, I really don't like asking for their help. I guess being in my mid-twenties I feel like I should be at that stage of being independent. It has definitely been a humbling experience though asking for help. I am blessed to have good parents.

I'm also excited for my days off because they will actually be days off rather than days spent occupied with school. It'll allow me to pursue some of my interests that have been put on top of the shelf in the past however many years. Now I'll have the time to learn another language, to draw, to play piano, to read... and actually enjoy doing it!

Another thing I really hope for is for my relationship with Jesus to grow closer. I want to be able to hear his still and soft voice amongst all the noise. I want to be able to distinguish and recognize his voice from all the other voices. I want to be sure of the things he says to me rather than wondering if it's really from him. I want to know him more.

With all that said, January 1st definitely sent the year off on the right foot. It was a fabulously sunny day with the bluest of skies. My friends and I went up to Mt. Seymour to do some snoeshoeing so I got my fill of snow for the winter (remember, being from Alberta I am used to snowy and cold winters). We slid down some of the hills on our butts and it made me feel like a little kid again. Good friends, good conversations, good weather, good fun - I couldn't have asked for a better New Years. What a blessing.