Random Thoughts and Reflections

C4C (Campus for Christ) had their annual Summit retreat this weekend and there are many words to describe it: awesome, beautiful, fun, stressful, relaxing, quiet, noisy, warm, nostalgic, Spirit-led.

• Awesome because of everything; great people, great talks by Sean, great location, etc.
  
• Beautiful because of the view; mountains, lake, big leafy trees, vast green lawn... so wonderful.
• Fun because well, how could you not have any being with 100 people all weekend???
• Stressful because of organizing rides for everyone going from UBC (we didn't have enough vehicles so some had to take transit) and also leading a seminar on the Spirit-filled life which I've never done before.
• Relaxing because I was able to spend some quality alone-time with God in the midst of all the beauty.
• Quiet because of alone-time with God and being away from the city.
• Noisy because there are a lot of people with really loud voices and sometimes they're speaking all at once.
• Warm because the weather was absolutely wonderful this weekend.
• Nostalgic because this is my 4th time at Summit.
• Spirit-led because there is no possible way I could've organized transportation and lead a seminar on my own strength and have it work out as well as it did.

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I was convicted by the Spirit about my attitude on Friday. I was trying to order Greyhound tix over the phone for the students who didn't have a ride home from Summit. The lady said that I couldn't get a student discount over the phone unlike what the guy told me the day before when I had phoned in to confirm that I could indeed do so. I was frustrated and this added to my already stressed state. During registration, I heard that some of the students had complained about having to take transit while others had a ride. I could feel anger rising up within me. Didn't they know how hard I really tried to get them to Summit and as cheap as possible? However, God reminded me about how we act towards Him. We often complain and grumble about our circumstances and not even see all the blessings that He's given us. Even when we do so, God doesn't flare up in anger and leave us out in the cold; He patiently and lovingly rebukes us and doesn't complain about how we don't appreciate Him enough even though He has the most right out of anyone to do so.

I let my anger go, gave it up to Him and felt my stress level decline instantly. Also, when I went into the Greyhound station the next day, the lady there was super nice and helped save us a ton of money on the tickets. I was instantly ashamed of my attitude the day before and was reminded that sometimes we don't get the answer we're looking for, but God has the best in mind for us. How gracious is our God.

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Beth cut my hair on Friday and I love it. It was only a trim but I got some long side-sweep bangs and got rid of the ugly ends. Maybe I'll post a picture later. Thanks Beth :)

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I think I'm too senstive to my surroundings or more specifically, people's actions and reactions. During the seminar I was leading, Sean Cullen (the main speaker and also the regional director for Western Canada's C4C, aka the big boss, but also a good friend) sat in and listened. First, I didn't feel very comfortable leading it because it was my first time leading this seminar. Second, I felt some awkwardness between myself and the students there. I thought some looked quite lost or disintereted. Third, I was a little nervous so I felt like I was stumbling in my words a lot. Fourth, I was watching Sean and he was leaned over, elbows on the table with fingers intertwined with this furrowed look on his face. I frantically thought to myself, "What am I saying wrong??? Am I saying anything heretical? Oh crap, this is going horribly." Talking to Amy (she timed me) and to Sean later, I realized the session went absolutely fine. I had just taken the facial/body expressions the wrong way and there was nothing for me to worry about. Man, all that stress and feeling crappy for nothing. A good thing Sean and some of the other staff told me was that facial/body expressions are deceiving. Someone could look upset when in reality, they're just thinking. Sean said that's what he was doing, thinking and not judging me like I thought he was. Haha, oh silly me.

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My heart is so fickle and I often wonder why it can't stay committed to liking only 1 person. I suppose right now, being single and all, there isn't really any kind of committment for my heart to make so maybe that's why. Or perhaps I give up too easily, telling myself that he's not going to be interested or that he probably has someone else he likes and so, I let him go and turn to someone else. Another thing is, why do I have to like anyone at all? I'm not at all uncontent with singledom; it's been pretty great so far. Maybe it's because deep down, eventually I do want to be in a relationship and thus subconsciously, my mind looks for those who have qualities I look for in a guy. Hmm...

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My roommates, Jed and Renae (they're married), are awesome. They've really helped me to feel at home and we get along really well. We're going to start praying together for each other weekly and we started today. It's so nice to be able to share each other's lives in this way and to be really honest about our struggles and doubts. I'm looking forward to deepening my relationship with them this next while.

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Can you believe that I've been living in Vancouver for 6 weeks and 1 day now??? It's going to be October in a couple days. Time goes by so fast. Before you know it, it'll be January and I'll be a nursing student. Crazy!!

Manga manga manga

Manga (漫画、マンガ）
Definition: A Japanese graphic novel characterized by highly stylized art.
(Taken from Dictionary.com)

I have a fascination with manga. I can't help it; it's in my blood. Aside from Japanese school and being taught by my mom, I learned much of my grammar, vocab, and slang reading these 130 paged, black & white novels. My parents got a monthly subscription of a manga magazine for Nadine and I when we were in elementary school. When we got to junior high, they ordered a manga series. At the beginning of the month, my sister and I would eagerly go get the mail in hopes of finding that slip of paper saying that our subscriptions had arrived.

Even at the ripe age of 24, I still love them... well, most of them. There are a lot of crappy and/or gross manga out there which definitely exposes the dark side of Japanese culture. For instance, there are numerous "H" (etchi) manga which basically is porn in comic form or a lot of disturbing themed ones. One I glanced at was called "Suicide Club" (自殺クラブ) and basically, it's about a group of high school girls committing suicide at the same time. It made me sick to my stomach.

However, there are a lot of good and interesting ones out there as well. My fav picks are and not in any particular order:

• るろうに剣心 (Ruroni Kenshin - "Vagabond Kenshin")
• 金田一少年の事件簿 (Kindaichi Shounen no Jikenbo - "Kindaichi Case Files")
  
• Slam Dunk
• Hunter X Hunter
• Bleach
• Death Note
• Dragon Ball
• ドラえもん (Doraemon)
• 名探偵コナン (Meitantei Conan - "Detective Conan" or "Cased Closed" in the States)

Most of these are action, mystery or adventure. Personally, I like ones with a really interesting storyline and good drawings/art. I'll read comedy, drama and romantic comedy, but I don't care too much for romantic or horror.

You might be asking, what's the difference between anime and manga? Well, anime is the cartoon version of the manga. I enjoy them too, seeing if the voices I have in my head for the characters while I read the manga are the same as in the show and also, the graphics are pretty sweet too, especially the ones that have come out within the last 10 years. Most often than not though, anime have fillers (episodes that aren't part of the original manga) which I can't stand because they don't add to the story at all, and sometimes the producers change details thinking it'll make the story better when really, it doesn't; it actually ruins it... well, for me anyway.

I mentioned this in an earlier post but I'm hoping to write my own manga sometime. I won't give you details but I hope that it'll end up something like "The Chronicles of Narnia" or "Lord of the Rings" where it has a gospel theme to it. It's hard writing though because I have all these ideas in my head but I'm having problems tying them together to make a smooth storyline. Also, I'm not that skilled in drawing so even if I want a certain camera angle, I often have problems putting it on paper. However, I've decided that's my next big project hobby-wise and so hopefully I'll get it done one day. Maybe I'll take drawing classes so I can get better. We'll see how it goes :)

Home Is Where the Heart Is...

Lynsey and I are meeting regularly for discipleship and I'm honored because she is an awesome person, lots of fun and full of wisdom. (For those who don't know what the word discipleship means, it's where a more mature Christian spiritually mentors another Christian, helping them to grow deeper in their relationship with God.) The other day, we got into a conversation about home since it's only been a few weeks since I had moved to Vancouver.

I've been thinking a lot lately about what home means. Is it a location? Is it just a term we use to describe where our immediate family is? Is it an object like your house?

My parents have moved 3 times since I've gone to university although not very far, within a 10km radius of the town and the town itself has roughly a 5km circumference. (Yeah, I know. It's small.) I remember coming "home" for Christmas and being in the new house. It was odd because even though my family was there and technically I was still in the same general area as where I had grown up, something didn't quite feel right. However, it bothered me less and less as the years passed by and maybe it's because I've had to move a lot myself. I think the longest time I stayed in one house was 2 years so that means since high school, I've moved a total of 5 times within Edmonton. So to me, I guess home isn't really the location nor the actual house.

This sounds really cheesy but in the past few months, I've discovered that home for me is wherever God is. Because He's always with me, I'm always at home even though I might be on the move all the time. So, because Vancouver is where He brought me and He is here with me now, this is my home for the time being.

I think another thing that makes a home "home" is the community that God surrounds you in. So, in that sense, I guess I have quite a few homes: Vauxhall since that's where my family and childhood friends are, Edmonton because of more close friends there and now Vancouver with the community that has embraced me here. I guess the 2 former are a bit distant though.

When I was in Panama this summer, I called it my home then too and I remember thinking how sad it was to leave that place and how much I'd miss it. I do indeed miss Panama but if all my friends I made there were gone, would I really miss Panama? If I went back to Edmonton and all the people I knew had moved away, would things be the same? If my family ends up leaving Vauxhall, would I still go back there and feel at home?

No is probably the most likely answer to those questions. What is a place without people who love and know you and you love and know them back? It's sorta empty and lonely. I'm not saying that there wouldn't be anyone left in Vauxhall if my parents left. I'm also not saying that I couldn't or wouldn't make new friends in those places because I would and eventually, it'll feel more like home again.

I've been learning a lot about how important community is to the well-being of a person. Being in a world/culture that highly values independence, it's difficult to let yourself be vulnerable or even *gasp* dependent on others. However, God didn't create a person to live alone; we're meant to be in community. In Ecclesiastes 4:9~12, it says it's better to be with someone than to be alone because when you have another person with you, you can keep warm together, help each other up when one of you falls, and not be overcome by someone who's trying to beat you up. The author of Hebrews exhorts all believers to keep meeting together so that they can keep on encouraging each other (Hebrews 10:24~25).

The only danger of relationships with others is that sometimes, those relationships can be more important than your relationship with God. You need to have a good relationship with Him in order for any of your other relationships to work. It's a fine balance that I'm still trying to figure out.

Anyway, I guess home is sorta harder to describe concretely when you think about it and I'm sure its meaning differs from person to person too.

God has placed in my life some really awesome people who have blessed/are blessing me greatly. My heart is with God and with these people and to me, that is where my home is.

Haha, look at me! I'm hurt!

My roomies took me with them to their friends' place for games night tonight and there was another couple there who brought their adorable 13 month old boy named Joshua. Jed, my 1 roomie (don't worry guys, he's married... not to me but to my other roomie, Renae) was talking about how he would make his little nephews and nieces laugh after they fell down or something to show them that it wasn't that big of an ordeal. Of course little Joshua, who's just learning how to walk, falls down a few moments later slamming his hands against the hardwood floor. Before a tear could even fall on his crumpling face, we all burst out into a thundering applause accompanied by cheering and had these ridiculous I'm-incredibly-ecstatic expressions on our faces. Watching Joshua's reaction to that was absolutely priceless! He stopped whimpering immediately. Then for a few minutes (well, maybe it was more like 20 seconds), he had this confused look on his face and it was as though he was thinking, "Uhhhh..... what did I just miss???" And finally, a slow but eager smile spread and he began to laugh with us. It was one of the funniest things I've ever seen; I thought I was gonna die laughing.

It's interesting how even at such a young age individuals are influenced by the people around them. It must be a human thing. Hopefully we haven't screwed this kid up by making him think that pain or getting hurt is a funny/good thing...

For those who are passionate about keeping their clothes long-term...

Do you ever look at the tags of your clothes to check how to care for them? I do and I always get frustrated when I see something other than English. Most of the time, it's a bunch of symbols and often I haven't got a clue what they mean. So, I looked it up and will share my knowledge with you because I hate it when my clothes shrink or change color or just turn up wonky, especially when it's my favorite piece or I've burnt a whole in my pocket just to buy it...

http://www.textileaffairs.com/lguide.htm

Happy laundry-ing!

My sister

I have only 1 sibling and her name is Nadine. She's a year younger than me and we squabble a lot. Actually, she's one of the reasons why I was excited to leave home and go to university. Man, she drove me crazy! For instance, the summer before moving to Edmonton, I was working 10~12 hours/day and had 4 days (2 weekends) off total in 2 months so naturally when I got home, I was exhausted. I didn't watch a lot of TV since I didn't really have the time but this one occasion I was about to, she swiped the remote control out of my hands and said, "Mindy! I want to watch TV. I haven't watched anything all day." I rolled my eyes and told her, "Nadine, I haven't watched TV all week. You've had all day to watch when I wasn't home so give me the remote." Of course, she was indignant and wouldn't. At this point, I was getting a little angry because she wasn't listening to me and I was tired but luckily, Mom stepped in and reprimanded her. This was pretty much my life in the last few years before heading off to Edmonton. Needless to say, I was quite happy to get away from her for awhile.

Now, the interesting thing about my sister is that she isn't normal... whatever normal means anyway. She has something called cerebral palsy. What is CP, you ask. Well, here's the breakdown of what each word means:
Cerebral - pertaining to the brain
Palsy - complete or partial muscle paralysis

So the words put together mean:
An "umbrella" term for a group of nonprogressive, but often changing, motor impairment syndromes secondary to lesions or anomalies of the brain arising in the early stages of its development. CP is a symptom complex rather than a specific disease.
(Taken from Taber's Cyclopedic Medical Dictionary)

To put it simply, someone with CP is physically disabled and more often than not, also has mental retardation accompanying it. There are varying degrees and cases of CP where some are only physically disabled, others are more mentally disabled and some are somewhere in between. Some even have seizures. Nadine is in the "in between" group and it's moderate in degree. She doesn't have seizures which is really good too. Because Mom did a lot of stretches and exercises with her and also because she went to a physical therapist, Nadine's mobility is actually not too bad. On the outside, she looks normal until she starts moving, then you can notice that she's a bit stiff and walks/runs like a duck. When you talk to her, you'll also be able to tell that she's not quite at the mental age she should be at if she were normal.

How does one get CP? Well, it occurs because there's some sort of injury to the central nervous system during early development. I've been told that when Nadine was born, she didn't get enough oxygen which is what caused her to have CP.

People always ask me, what was it like growing up with her. I don't remember much of what I felt or thought when we were little. I do remember getting angry when the kids at school made fun of her and felt very protective of her. As I grew into my teen years though, I thought of her more as a nuisance. Often, I wasn't allowed to do things such as go to my friend's house every day or have a sleepover or have a boyfriend... well, there might've been other reasons for the boyfriend part but whatever. Nadine would also steal stuff from my room if she really liked it and would lie about stealing it. When she got angry at me, she would take my stuff and throw it against the wall or throw it in the garbage can and scream at me to get out of the house and move away or something along those lines. Yes, you can safely say that I was thoroughly annoyed, sick and tired of her by the time I went to university.

Things got better as soon as I left... sort of. Nadine really did miss me and whenever I would call home, she'd sound super excited and told me she missed me and asked when I was coming home. When I did go home, the first day she'll be really happy and would be incredibly nice to me. However, in the days following, things would go back to normal and we'd be bickering at each other again.

Mom always kept telling me, "Mindy, when you get angry at her, you're stooping down to her level." Yeah, those words were a blow to my pride and I often got frustrated because I didn't know what to do or how to act. I think God has really worked in my heart these last few years though because now when I look back, I see that I was really selfish and only wanted things to go my way. I never really saw her as an individual with her own thoughts, dreams, needs and wants. Whenever I didn't get what I wanted, I thought of her as a nuisance. Ha, some big sister I am, eh?

God's taught me a lot about what it means to set yourself aside and serve the person beside you, to truly be patient and to love the person for who they are. I'm definitely not perfect at it; I still have a long way to go with my sister but I think things are getting better. My mindset is changing and if I don't change, she won't change, right?

With all the crappy things I said about my sister, there are a lot of things I admire about her. One, she is friendly to everyone and never judges anyone by any standard. Two, she never complains about her circumstances. I'm sure she wonders why she's not allowed to do certain things even though others are allowed to, but I've never heard her moan and complain that she can't run fast enough or can't think as well as anyone else, etc. Three, she perseveres. Yes, she can get lazy since she is human after all; but, she has her Grade 5 piano certificate in RCM, learned how to do karate, graduated high school (on a modified program but still, she graduated), and can take care of herself only needing some supervision. Four, she's a really hard worker. Give her a job to do and she'll do her absolute best. Five, she's incredibly compassionate. People tell me I am too, but she's even more so. Yeah, Nadine is really great in her own way.

I have no idea what the future has in store for Nadine or even for myself since the only family she has after my parents pass away is me. I sometimes worry about how that would affect me if I had to take care of her for the rest of my life. What would I do if I get married and have a family? What would I do if my husband didn't want her around? (Hopefully I'll be wise enough so that I won't choose a man who doesn't care about her.) What would I do if I end up being a missionary traveling around the entire world?

Mom told me that she would be totally ok if I put her in a group home or something. I didn't really like that idea since I would feel guilty about putting her there when she has legitimate family to care for her. However, Mom said that if we're gonna end up bickering a lot and if it's gonna cause me a lot of stress, it's better for not only myself but also for her to be put in a home because then she doesn't have me nagging her all the freakin' time and causing her a lot of stress. The fact that my parents are truly ok with that takes some of the weight off my shoulders. If she does end up being in there, I can still go visit her and she can come over for a sleepover or for Christmas or whatever. I dunno. I'm still trying to figure out what I would do and what would be the best thing for both her and for myself. Who knows. Maybe by the time my parents pass away, she'll be able to live on her own and I wouldn't have to wonder if I should have her live with me or in a home or somewhere else. Maybe she'll even get married to a great guy one day. It's rare for that to happen but it still could.

The really cool thing about Nadine's name is that both her Japanese name (のぞみ、Nozomi) and her English name means hope. My parents gave her that name because of their hope of her having a bright future and God being there to watch over her along the way. Even though I have some tough decisions ahead of me, I have hope that God will guide me so that I choose a path that would truly be best for her.

I love my sister, I really do. If she died right now, I would have a humongous hole in my heart. Even though we didn't have the same type of relationship normal sisters have together, we had a lot of fun growing up together and still are in our own kind of way. At the end of the day, we're still sisters and nothing can change that.

Early Renovations...

So yeah, I've changed some stuff on my blog already and it hasn't even really been a week! The main reason why I changed it up a bit is because I didn't like how my blog description and "about me" description sounded. I think when I first created this, I wanted to sound like I knew what I was talking about (aka know-it-all; there is another word for it but I'll refrain from using it here since pretty much everyone will be shocked if I wrote it down) rather than speaking from my heart. Also, it takes a while for me to formulate exactly what I want to say. If this is your first time visiting, don't bother asking what I had previously because I've completely disposed it from my brain, partly because I wanted to forget since it was so bad and partly because of my bad memory so I've already forgotten what it said before.

Analysis #1: Fear

I've been analyzing myself a lot lately and have discovered that I have a lot of fears. Some of them may be rational while others... maybe not so much.

1. I'm afraid of spiders.

• It's not to the point of being arachnophobic because I can look at clip art or fake rubber spiders and not be freaked out. Tiny tiny ones don't scare me too much either. It's any combination of the medium to huge sized, thick, fat, super long, or hairy ones that absolutely terrify me. Even if it's just a photo, I'm running away hiding behind something or someone. When I think about it logically, I think I'm scared not so much because it's scary but mainly because it's super creepy which somehow gets translated into scary.

2. I'm afraid of creepy crawlies and snakes.

• Creepy crawlies can be anything from a caterpillar to a millipede to a random gross bug. Actually, most of the time, I'm more afraid of them if they're really big and only creeped out if they're quite small. It's probably similar to the whole spider thing; the creepy gets translated to scary.
  

3. I'm afraid of heights.

• Well more accurately, it's the fear of falling because I actually enjoy the view from the mountain top or off of a really high building. It's when I look down and imagine falling to a splatter that freaks me out and gives me the heebie-jeebies. If I'm 100% positive that I'm not going to fall, then I'm usually ok. I think it's a rational fear because it helps to prevent us from dying recklessly.
  

4. I'm afraid of asking strangers questions.

• Well, sometimes. It depends on my mood and circumstances. Most of the time, I don't have problems asking random people for directions. However, I don't like asking store personnel whether they have job openings or whether they have a certain something that I'm looking for. At first, I didn't know why, but now I believe it's because I have too much pride; I'm self-conscious of what people think of me when I ask them such things. It's so weird and stupid when I think about it logically. There's no harm done and really, what does it matter if they think I'm odd or idiotic anyway? I'm hunting for a part-time job right now and there was a day when I completely chickened out of asking someone at London Drugs if they had any job openings. Sigh, I just shake my head at myself for such silliness.
  

5. I'm afraid of what people think of me.

• I'm sure everyone has or have had this fear at some point in their lives. I guess it's related to point #3. This really hindered me from sharing my faith during the first few years of university. To tell you the truth, I really hated the thought of sharing back then. I think that it's linked to my nature of being a people-pleaser; I want people to like me and think well of me. Talking about spiritual things can really rock the boat which leads to people not liking me for asking such things, or so I believed anyway and thus, I tried my best to avoid it. However, the more I actually went out sharing, the more I found myself to enjoy it because most people were interested in chatting about spiritual stuff and they had a lot to share. I found out that the more I took the focus off myself and gave it to the other person, the less scary it was and the more fun I had.

6. I'm afraid of conflict.

• I hate it when people are upset or angry whether it's at me or someone else. I often tense up and get super stressed when I find myself next to or in the middle of a conflict of some sort. I'm beginning to see though, that conflict isn't necessarily always a bad thing. Healthy conflict can sift out the best ideas from the not-so-great, bring people closer together, and will foster growth within ourselves. I think another thing about conflict I didn't like was because I didn't want anyone to be mad at me. But again, that has to do with my self-consciousness and pride and that's stupid. People won't get to see the real me if I don't just say the truth or what I really mean; I'm being a fake. Of course, there's a fine balance to that too. There's a time and place for me to open my mouth or to keep my thoughts to myself although I'm not always good at judging when to do what.
  

7. I'm afraid of supernatural scary books/movies.

• If it's cheesy scary like "Scream" or "I Know What You Did Last Summer" or "Final Destination", then I'm fine. If it's something like "The Ring", then I'm totally freaked out. I saw the preview for it on TV and thought, "this doesn't look that scary." Oh boy, was I ever wrong! I don't think I've ever seen anything so terrifying as that. I still have to keep myself from thinking about the movie because I get scared if I do. In the last few years, I've been careful not to watch/read horror stuff because I know I can't handle it very well. The main reason I think things like that freak me out is because there's no hope in any of it; it's all black and destitute. The characters have no joy in anything; they live in fear forever. That's no way to live.

This summer, I realized that fears can really prevent people from doing something that's good. Sometime last winter, I prayed to God that He would never send me anywhere where there were scary spiders because I didn't think I could handle it. During my mission trip to Panama with Campus for Christ this summer, there was a week when everyone on the team went to a remote village in the mountains and I couldn't go because I had an phone interview with UBC that couldn't be re-scheduled. The students that did go told me about all these huge tarantulas crawling around all over the place and how the guys had to do a sweep of the girls' sleeping quarters before they all went to sleep. God definitely answered my prayer; I didn't go to a place where it housed scary spiders. There was a small part of me that was relieved... but I felt mostly ashamed of my fear. I could've had the chance to share Jesus with people who have never even heard of him before. I could've had the opportunity to see God's hand move and forever change the people of this village. And I missed it. I can't say I'm 100% positive that being afraid of spiders was the reason why God didn't allow me to go, but somehow I feel that it probably was.

There's a story in the Old Testament about a man named Barak, who was told by the prophetess, Deborah, that if he went to the river with his army, the Lord would deliver the enemy's leader, Sisera, into his hands. However, Barak was afraid and said that he would only go if she would go with her. That fear caused him to lose any kind of honor in defeating the enemy God promised to deliver into his hands. Instead of Barak killing Sisera, a woman, whom in that day and culture didn't really have much of a standing in society, got the honor and drove the tent peg into the temple of the enemy and Israel defeated Canaan. The Bible is not saying that God wants us to kill and rule over others. I think that the main point to get out of this is that fear prevented Barak from obeying God which led to a lack of fully experiencing something great that God was willingly giving to him. To relate to my experience, fear prevented me from seeing some really cool stuff God did in that village... and I'll never ever get that chance back. It's not to say that Barak didn't rejoice that Israel defeated Canaan because he did and that I didn't rejoice in the good things that happened; we just didn't get the direct experience.


Fear keeps us from moving forward, from growing in knowledge and wisdom, from having some really great experiences and ultimately, from moving deeper in our relationship with God. Fear, if left alone, eventually steals away any kind of hope, joy or peace. Fear destroys faith.

A verse that has been really encouraging to me especially when I am fearful is 2 Kings 6:16~17:
He (Elisha) said, "Do not be afraid, for those who are with us are more than those who are with them." Then Elisha prayed and said, "O LORD, please open his eyes that he may see." So the LORD opened the eyes of the young man, and he saw, and behold, the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha."

Too often believers, including myself, forget that we have an almighty and powerful God who promises to never leave us nor forsake us. We forget that God truly cares for us and protects us. All we need to do is to believe and trust Him and take steps of faith.

I hope that eventually, I'll be able to get over my fear of spiders so that it doesn't prevent me from going on a mission to a country just because it has spiders. I hope that I can get over my self-consciousness so that I can truly focus on the person I'm talking/hanging out with and fully tend to their needs as God would. I hope that I can get over my fear of the supernatural so that it doesn't cause damage to my relationship with God. I hope.


(If you want to read the passage about Barak and Deborah, it's in Judges 4:4~24.)

Blogging it Up

Blog
Definition: An online diary; a personal chronological log of thoughts published on a Web page
Etymology: Shortened form of Weblog
Usage: Blog, blogged, blogging v, blogger n
(courtesy of Dictionary.com)

An online diary eh... I've had countless numbers of diaries growing up but never have I ever kept writing in one consistently, except maybe for the one I have right now. Even then, I only write my thoughts every month or so. That's not to say that I don't have any, thoughts that is. I've just been either:
1. Too busy
2. Too lazy
3. A combination of both

However, lately I've been wondering if maybe the reason I can't seem to think as straight is because I don't take the time to write my thoughts down. Thus, rather than being processed and filed neatly in my brain, they continue to swirl around, increasing in number and adding to the confusion as I live out my days. Hmm...

"Why a blog and why wait this long?" you ask. Well for one, I hope that this'll help me to process my thoughts so that I don't end up in the looney-bin one day. Also, I'm hoping that I'll get better at writing since I'm trying to write my own story. We'll see how that goes. To answer the 2nd part, I think it's mainly because it's taken me a really long time to be able to share things that are deep within my soul. I've never really been good at pouring my heart out to anyone and I'm pretty sure it has something to do with how I grew up. My sister has cerebral palsy so naturally, my parents looked after her more than me so I got used to doing things on my own. I never really ever asked anyone for help or went to cry on someone's shoulder because of something crappy that happened. All of it I've closed up inside, only for God to fully know. That's probably the main reason why I haven't gone completely insane is because I always know that God knows and that He cares. It's only in the last few years that He's been urging me to dissolve this wall that I've built up around my heart and so slowly, I have. Can't say it's been easy since I seem to have an abnormal amount of pride plaguing me, but it's definitely been rewarding to have people know who I really am and still love me anyway.

Another minor reason for not having a blog 'til now is that I'm not really the type to follow other "sheep" in the latest trends and what not. Generally, trends aren't my thing. But, I'm beginning to realize the importance of staying in tune with this generation so that I can relate with them and them with me. Maybe me blogging will give others a little more insight into what kind of a crazy person I am and perhaps also be an encouragement to those who read it (I hope).

So here's to my new adventure in blogging. Cheers!